I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Randomize
