My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
