On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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