Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
