We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Randomize
