I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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