Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
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