genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
