I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
