Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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