dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
