i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
