forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
