If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
My hand turned me down
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
