Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
