If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
