I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
