I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
organizing the empties. That sober.
they're like a gay fantastic four
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
