you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Randomize
