I can text with my tongue
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
