Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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