3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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