you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize
