I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Randomize
