he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
