My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Michael Bay diarrhea
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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