Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize