Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
