I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
