And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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