I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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