wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Randomize
