i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
