then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
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