My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
