just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
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