I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
