i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Randomize
