jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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