She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
