I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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