oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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