Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
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