just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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