Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
