drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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