Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
