Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
