he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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