I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
