What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize