I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
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