8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize