She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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