someone threw a dead crab at me
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
