oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
