Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
my phone needs a breathalizer
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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