mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
