I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
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