Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Randomize
